Another daughter married

I recently got back from California, where my eldest daughter had her wedding ceremony. In this case, it was her (already) long-term boyfriend. So, for all practical practical purposes, they were already married. They did it very cheaply, in their own backyard. I’m all for that; people spend WAY too much on weddings these days. What’s important is the decades that come afterward, not so much the ceremony.
I’m an odd fellow. To put it politely, I’m “eccentric.” So a guy like me, unless he’s wealthy, has few opportunities when it comes to dating or marriage. And yet I did get married (for a while). How did I do it? The answer is two-fold. I moved to a third-world country (Israel, where being American carries some status) and I took advantage of an age-old Jewish institution: The shadkhan (also spelled shadchan).
A shadkhan is a person (of either gender) who facilitates marriage by arranging meetings between eligible people at the shadkhan’s home. When a son or daughter reaches marriageable age, their parents might avail themselves of this service. Many shadkhanim (plural) do this work for free, as it’s considered a “mitzvah” (a good deed), but donations are accepted. The shadkhan is usually an older person who is well-established in the community. Though the parents are involved (or a rabbi, if the person is an orphan), these are not “arranged marriages.” The man and woman have final say. It’s their call whether to move forward or not.
In the old days, parents would arrange dowries through the shadkhan. The shadkhan would be familiar with the families of each side, and along with the parents, help assure that the families were also a good match. After all, it’s not just the individuals who were to be married, but the families as well. Marriage is a community affair.
Modern America badly needs this institution. It would make life a lot easier, and safer, for those looking to get married. Instead of wasting time and money on dating sites, or approaching complete strangers in the mall, people could simply visit their neighborhood shadkhan. They’d pay a fee and the shadkhan would do background checks and get to know the client. Using his best judgment, the shadkhan would then call the client when he found a likely match. As the shadkhan’s successes accumulate, so would his reputation – and more people would seek him out

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12 Responses to Another daughter married

  1. Congratulations and Mazel Tov on your daughters wedding. I agree, an institution like the shadkan for whites is long over due. I have thought of creating a match making site myself for whites with politically incorrect views.
    Whites of various religions or political ideologues could participate provided they all share some form of “pro-white” views. If anyone is interested in assisting me or working together on this project please contact me through my website.

  2. missattempts says:

    Is this another term for matchmaker? I heard that term in
    “Fiddler On The Roof.” The woman’s name is Yenta. That’s a
    busybody/loudmouth correct?
    When I first heard the song, I thought it was about literal matches.
    “Dolly,” from “Hello, Dolly, was also a “matchmaker.

    • jewamongyou says:

      Yes, I guess you could call it a “matchmaker,” but “matchmaker” might imply that nobody else has a role in making the match. In fact, the parents, the couple and the shadkhan all have roles.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Why do you recommend Jewish matchmakers if you yourself are no longer married?

    • jewamongyou says:

      It’s not the matchmaker’s fault that I’m no longer married. People get divorced, for a variety of reasons, in all systems. No system, or society, is perfect.

      • Anonymous says:

        I’m not going to outright be for or against Jewish matchmakers unless I see some statistical evidence that marriages set up by Jewish matchmakers lead to lower divorce rates than marriages that occurred without the help of any type of matchmaker. I’m just skeptical.

  4. jewamongyou says:

    Re: Anonymous,
    I don’t claim that such marriages are LESS likely to end in divorce. Only that they are probably no more likely to end in divorce, and it’s a lot less hassle for everybody. Also, I’m not advocating for Jewish matchmakers in gentile society, but for gentiles to adopt a similar institution.

    • Anonymous says:

      I’m mostly concerned with the divorce rate, as family breakdown negatively affects the children involved. I don’t care how people meet their future spouses; I just want to know which method results in the lowest divorce rate, and which method results in the highest divorce rate (so that people can avoid that method).

      • ※Bangladeshi Wee-Bay※ says:

        Good point. There’s not much use in touting a system that doesn’t result in a statistically lower divorce rate. However, I suppose it could result in the marriages of certain categories of people that are otherwise unable to find a spouse ⇛ sort of like match-making for nerds, if you will.

  5. it is an interesting system. An institution that cheaply copies marriage bureaus. Without the formality, the high cost.
    Not sure how this works when many guys just want to have fun. I mean dating, no strings attached adventure.
    Do they also do introduction for dating or is it strictly for chaste people looking for marriage only.

  6. Robert Marchenoir says:

    A wise institution, which is by no means specifically Jewish. There’s a reason why so many peoples used to have it.

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